His love for me

Usually, I whole heartedly believe in not sharing much of one's personal life on the internet. I feel like my world, my comfortable, logically, closely regulated world has been shaken up and flung all about in disarray. I worked so hard to compartmentalize, organize, mentally redefine, and selectively choose what parts of life I wanted to acknowledge. The rest of it I wanted to push far, far away. I wanted to never analyze it again. I never wanted to look back. I thought that's how you handled the messy parts of life. I  thought to be free you adopted a "no regrets" country song of "I've got my rearview mirror torn off and I'm never looking back" type of ideology.


I was so wrong. Life is about looking back and facing those things that keep you up at night and embracing our Lord and Savior because he's magnificent enough to outshine even the darkest of places.


I'm exhausted. 


I've learned so much this week. I'm been overwhelmed with love from friends and family. It's almost crazy to me to think about how selfless and how incredible so many of my friends are. I've always heard the expression that in times of need you find out who your real friends are. I always thought it was a sort of sarcastic, disappointed, negative statement implying that people just don't show up. Or that they disappear when times are rough and you're at your worse. Some sort of a warning to not put too much faith and hope into others. It has been completely the opposite. 


I will never be able to forget how people showed up in my time of need. My love for my friends and their relationships with the Lord has been deepened this week in a way I could not have imagined before. It is a wonderful thing to really see the hearts of your friends. To have them accept you fully for who you are regardless of how difficult times are for you. It's my natural tendency to push people away when I'm hurting and struggling. I have some innate desire to do things on my own and just stubbornly struggle through them. Instead of people just going away, they patiently waited and just tried again until I was ready to talk.


In spite of everything else, I am so thankful and I feel like the encouragement and support I received this week is in a way- a small glimpse of heaven and how the Father loves us. How he is continuously concerned, persistent, and doesn't give up on us. He has truly placed certain people in my life to witness to me through their love for me His love for me. 


My heart sings. It is a slow, soft song but a song nevertheless. A song meant for Him. A song of gratitude, astonishment, and a slight awareness of what love really looks like.