I'm terrified

I spend a lot of time trying to look like I have it all together. Sometimes I even work hard to make it look like I don't try hard at all.

It's Junior year. It's more than half way gone. It's late in my college career. I still want more change. I want more.

I am so tired of being nervous to try and to put myself out there. I'm beyond the point of wishing I could just start college over. This is my life. I never want to wish to go backwards again. I want to embrace today. I want to accept my flaws and accept the flaws of the ones I love. and the ones I don't. I want more love to give.

This semester has turned out to be most joyful 6 months of my life. Nothing is particularly "magical" or different. I've just learned to appreciate the little thing. I've learned or at least, have begun learning how to place my joy in the Lord.

I don't want to stop here. Anything I'm worrying about loosing, isn't worth worrying about. What matters to me is the people that I love.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me feel truly alive. Part of me just wants to throw everything I've learned in the past that tells me "You can't" out the window.

Christmas Break is right around the corner. Two finals left to go. Naturally, It's almost 3 AM and I'm sitting here in bed, listening to a combination of Jon Schmidt, The Temptations, Otis Redding, and John Mayer. I bought Vonnegut's, The Sirens of Titans, and I can't wait to read it.


I love staying up all night. I love love love it. Something about being the only person awake is incredibly romantic to me. Of course, I know the word romantic should only be used to be described a situation between two. To ensure that my use of the word isn't mistaken for a form of self love, I merely mean, I can hear myself think.


The middle of the night is when I dream big. It's when I imagine my life being meaningful and something that I'm constantly giving away. It's inspiring.

During the day, I love to nap. I love napping while I'm supposed to be somewhere else. But at the same time, going to bed around 10pm makes me feel like I'm missing out on something. People are out there. They are doing something.

but in the middle of the night. Everyone else is asleep...and it's like having 4 extra hours of the day. They feel surreal.

It's almost as if they don't exist for anything other than laughing by oneself, contemplating life, and one's hopes and fears.